when the darkness closes in...

I wasn't going to write this blog. Part of me still doesn't really want to. But I know that in order to paint an accurate picture of my time here, I need to include everything - the good AND the bad. Not that much has really been "bad." I mean, I'm in Europe. It's hard to find things to complain about, because the good outweighs any inconvenience or mishap that may come along. But there are those days you wake up and simply don't feel like staying awake. I've had a few of those days lately.

It all started on Saturday night when I was getting ready to "go" to Sam's concert in North Carolina (via Skype, unfortunately). It was about an hour before the concert was supposed to start when my internet cut out. I thought maybe the cord came unplugged or something, but after a few frantic moments of plugging, unplugging and replugging and then scrambling to find my papers from orientation to relogin to the network, I come to find out my wonderful school/dormitory had decided I had reached my limit and blocked my internet for four days. Great. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that I had been so excited to get to watch Sam perform. After a minor breakdown, Magda was SO wonderful and let me borrow her computer so I could still watch. Which was such a blessing. I can't even express how grateful I was. But then Sunday came, Magda received word that her uncle had died and left for Poland, leaving me in an empty room with thoughts of death (I know, morbid, but it's the truth) and no access to the internet. I started thinking about what I would do if I got a call like Magda's telling me someone I loved back home had died. I wouldn't be able to hop a train and get home in a few hours. Anyways, it got me all emotional and I spent Sunday feeling pretty depressed and homesick for the first time since I've been here. It's crazy how one small little thought can snowball and consume your heart in a matter of minutes. And how that one small thought can drastically change a good day into a bad one.

Anyway.

I spent Sunday night and most of Monday contemplating a lot of things, and feeling pretty sick. I'm not sure what's up, but my body has been pretty brutal to me since I've been here. We have been having on again/off again wars. But anyways. In the middle of all my self-absorption, God, in his infinite grace and love for me, led me to a passage of Scripture in Psalms:

"Then I realized how bitter I had become, how pained I had been by all I had seen. I was so foolish and ignorant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you are holding my right hand. You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Psalm 73:21-26

I really am so blessed. When I stop to think about where my life is at any point, I can't help but praise God. Even if my internet is blocked, or my body is aching and revolting, or the people I love most are thousands of miles away and a ginormous body of water separates us from each other, or any number of other "bad" things, God deserves my praise. He remains the strength of my heart. I am so blessed.

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

Psalm 63:3